So things were lousy enough for us, The Hardest Working Image Builders On RATSA, and the office atmosphere didn't improve when suddenly, without warning, we all heard this awful, prolonged scream followed by Dorf slamming open her office door, stalking down the hall straight to the desk where Abigail, FOC Dorothy's Red Slippers Preservation Officer, was carefully applying replacement sequins. The next thing I remember is hitting the deck when Our Miss Hayes snatched up the Slippers and flung them an astounding 22-½ feet, breaking the old office record of 21 feet, 4 inches. Angela in Public Relations wasn't impressed, but you know, the Slippers actually looked kind of charming hanging around her neck like that. I'm sure Our Miss Hayes will tell y'all all about why she threw such a mondo-tantrum when she gets back from wherever she's been all afternoon and... Looky, here comes Hurricane Dorothy now.
FOC Dorothy, flushed and laden with shopping baggage, sez: "*whew* What a long day! I'm worn out. *pant* Who knew I even had so many credit cards? *sigh* I probably shouldn't have maxed them all out like I did, but sometimes even a degree-holding social worker/dabbling psychotherapist needs instant gratification -- especially if she gets e-mail from her worst enemy in the world. *grrr* But then I thought long and hard (I mean, really really long) about it and remembered what I said last time about this being a prime period for a sort of independence from the stuff from your past holding you back. If I'd just deleted this particular e-mail or put my foot through the computer screen like I originally wanted, I'd only be keeping myself from someday possibly considering the many steps forward I could foreseeably think about taking in the not too distant future. So that's why I answered this e-mail from... her."
Dear Dorothy:
See, that's why I'm writing you. You already think I'm a brainless idiot, I know, but you're wrong about me -- or at least, you were. Back when I first came to Llanview a couple of years ago, I had smarts and spunk and standards (a big deal in the Cramer Women group) and I wore the coolest, hippest array of hats you could imagine. Berets, girly fedoras, Jackie-O leopard print pillboxes -- they all looked fab on me and I was totally glamorous. Now, I never feel like popping on a tam to accent my wardrobe. My hats just pile up in the closet until Starr comes over and plays dress-up. It's so sad.
The other big thing is, I still can't figure out if I really love Joey or not. He's okay when he's not telling me what to do. I think it's a Buchanan thing -- control. Well, not all the Buchanan guys are domineering jerks. Okay, here's the thing: Drew, Joey's cousin -- Bo's son -- caused me a lot of trouble last year and the end came when he tried to cover up that accident I caused with Blair and Patrick. And later, when I found out he hid all Joey's letters to me from Paris, I lost it. Really let him have it. But since he came back, he's cleaned up his act and now, I'm suddenly completely attracted to him for reasons even I don't completely understand. I mean, I should hate him for screwing up my life but instead I find myself necking with him at every opportunity. Of course, he's a lot cuter now -- brown eyes suit him so much better than his old blue ones ever did -- and he's actually got a job, which is something Joey sure can't say. He's a cop and his uniform is pretty cool. I don't know...It's like...like I'm not...me anymore. I'm no fun. I don't have guys like David Vickers tying me to beds on yachts anymore, threatening my life. And I don't knock hell out of them, bury them in blankets and talk to myself in hilarious monologues anymore. Now I just blabber on about saving the whales. The last time I had real fun was when Ian and I had that cork-shooting contest with his Moet et Chandon collection. *sigh* I don't know, though...That time when Drew saved my butt in Patrick's literature class by pulling the fire alarm was cool, too. See? There I go, mooning over Drew for no apparent reason.
I still think you're a know-it-all, but please -- give me some credit for trusting you enough to ask your advice. What should I do about this Joey and Drew thing?
You know, I think you'd have liked me if you'd moved to Llanview earlier, when I was still the old, spunky, sprightly Kelly. We could have gone hat shopping together and...hey! I've got it! Tell you what: Let's hook up in New York, hit Fifth Avenue and rack up on accessories. Bring your credit cards, okay? Maybe this would be the best way to work out all those issues we never got around to talking about -- if you don't push me out in front of a bus first. That's a joke. Just kidding. Let me know about the shopping. There's a sale on at Banana Republic.
Okay, look -- let's get some stuff out there right now. First off, I did not try to come between you and Joey. Whatever was going on between you guys (and really, it didn't look like much) was your business; I mean, things were just great between Ian and me. I just wanted to be friends with Joey. After all, he dumped me and then -- what? -- I'm supposed to just run back into his arms? Yeah. Right. None of that really matters now since Ian's gone and, well, I guess I still sort of love Joey even though I'm not totally sure of that right now. (Oh, god... I sound just like you! *eh!*) But I'll get to that later. The second thing is, I was the one who encouraged Mel to call you in New York and talk things out back when you were still mad at him. You're really lucky to even have a father, much less one who loves you so much. I don't even know my dad and you know how my mom is. Anyway, it wasn't like I was trying to come between you and Mel or take your place. I'll admit I like older guys as a rule and yes, I do kind of see your dad as a "father figure," but there wasn't anything sneaky or manipulative or weird about our relationship. That's Blair's style, not mine. Did...Did that just slip out? Oops... Uh, forget I said that; we're all friends now and I've conveniently forgotten that she lied to Ian and essentially had a hand in his getting killed while going after me and I can't even recall how she lied, cheated and stole the billions he left me.
FOC Dorothy prefaces her response with: "*grrr* I told Joey she wasn't the one for him! I told him I was crazy about him! I knew this would happen! If it wasn't Ian, it would be some other guy. Everyone thinks she's so innocent and good and...well...I...I...Okay, I'll admit it -- I'm feeling kind of wishy-washy on this one. It's like I want to hate her but dammit, she's as indecisive as I am so I understand where she's coming from. *sigh* So I had to write her back."
Kelly:
My turn, okay? I'll forget the thing about my dad, even though I hate that he's married to your Aunt Dorian. But let's not go there. And I don't think you're all that brainless -- anymore. (And by the way, I think my knowitallness suits me. So there.)
The real issue between us is, was and always would have been Joey (if I'd been able to stick around Llanview long enough to date him or just refrain from tossing him out of my apartment). Joey's like that annoying song from "Grease" -- hopelessly devoted to you -- and no matter how many smarter, taller, degree-holding know-it-alls try to show him why they're obviously much better for him than you are, you'll always win out in the end. *sigh* Because you're a Cramer and he's a Buchanan and you're destined to hook up and break up and make up and drive both your aunt and his mom crazier than they already are in the process. That's just the way it is. *sniff* It's not fair, either. *sniff* A...A guy shouldn't just...*sniff*...give a girl his old ratty football jersey and then act like it...it doesn't mean anything. *sniff* *sniff* *honnnnnnk*
Wait. I have to take deep breaths and get myself together. *sniff* There. That's better.
Your friend Drew has e-mailed me before and yes, he sounds cute. But if he was trouble once, believe me, he'll be trouble again. Let me tell you about no-good boyfriends (and I've had my share). Here's what they'll do: They'll fool around with you when you move to New York and get you pregnant and dump you and then you'll have a miscarriage and you'll call your mom to come visit you and then she will and on the way home her plane will crash and she'll die and you'll blame yourself and your dad will become a fall-down drunk and you'll have a falling-out with him and not speak for a long time and then you'll start trying to work things out with him again and you'll move to Llanview and your grandmother will come with you and you'll instantly hate your dad's new romantic interest and her overly dressed-for-dinner family and they'll hate you and call you a know-it-all and then you'll like your dad's publisher because she reminds you of your dead mom and you'll really really flip over her son who's still hung up on his ex-girlfriend who called you a know-it-all and then you'll distance yourself from him when you find out that your dad's new girlfriend slept with him when he was a teenager and then you'll say you just want to be friends with him while he plots to win back his annoying ex and you'll start falling in love with him but he won't notice and one day you'll throw him a surprise party he won't show up for and you'll be really hacked off and when he comes to your apartment to apologize you'll tell him he should've noticed how crazy you were about him and then he'll say it wasn't his fault because you said you just wanted to be friends and then you'll get so mad you'll throw him out (twice) and finally you'll find yourself accepting an invitation to your old college friend's wedding (the longest in soap history; you'll just never ever come back) and no one will ever see you again but your dad will tell everyone how you're taking care of your idiot brother and his stupid broken leg!
*pant* *gasp* Give me a minute. *pant*
That's what jerk guys will do for you. Look deep inside yourself (shouldn't be too difficult since you're so transparent anyway) and rediscover the "real" Kelly before it's too late and you donate all your cool hat collection to your little Save The Whales project. *pout*
Oh, forget it. Forget I said all those mean things just now. I like your shopping idea and frankly, I could use some new baby t-shirts since I think Jessica "borrowed" some when she packed up my apartment after I had to come help Roger out. So I'll meet you in New York, we'll do Fifth Avenue and talk about stuff. Maybe we can think about working on getting along someday in the future. If you make it The Gap instead of Banana Republic, I think it'll be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
FOC Dorothy realizes she didn't receive her complimentary "Khakis Swing" jazz/swing classics CD after buying the requisite amount of argyle socks at The Gap and races out the door with this parting shot, er, explanation: "*grrrr* Idiot sales clerks...All right. I admit it. Kelly's not such a terrible person after all. She's got a wonderful eye for accessorizing as well as for little black dresses. That's okay in my book. We're cool now and we've even planned a sleepover soon. Javier asked if he could be part of our pajama party, too, but I said no way. I mean, yeah... Like I'm falling for that one. He doesn't even own a pair of pajamas."
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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc July 8, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net
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