All us Hardest Working Image Builders On RATSA here at FOC Dorothy Unlimited want to wish all y'all out there a safe, happy, flabbergastingly patriotic Fourth of July weekend. We plan on attending the First Annual FOC Dorothy Unlimited Fireworks and Pyrotechnics Extravaganza, the highlight of which is supposed to happen when Roger gets propelled from a cannon, testing the limits of velocity. At least that's what Javier says. Well, until this weekend's jocularity commences, we'd better get back to work. So here's Our Miss Hayes to give you some pointers on life, love and safety 'round the barbecue pit. Listen up, kids.

FOC Dorothy sez: "This July fourth should be lots of fun. My other brother, Frank, has been away on assignment but he's coming home to spend the weekend with the rest of the Hayes clan. All except Dad, who's not going to be here (probably because she won't let him come). Anyway, having Frank back will be great since he's a pretty big guy and he can shield Roger from any stray sparklers that could ignite his body cast. Poor Roger...I know he's burning up in all those bandages in this heat. But I don't want to see him go aflame. Mare's going to be here and the ouija board tells me Mom and Grandpa Neil may show their spirit as well. *heh heh heh* Please be safe this Fourth of July weekend. Remember -- only you can prevent people like my accident-prone brother Roger from spontaneously combusting so make sure that campfire really *is* out, okay?

"Don't forget that on July fourth, we're not only celebrating our nation's birth, we're also celebrating the country's gaining independence from Britain; that's why it's called Independence Day. So maybe July fourth also marks that time in our own lives when we should let all our old negative energy go in favor of a new beginning. It's a good time to forgive and forget while also renewing ties with people we haven't seen or heard from in a long time. That's why I'm sharing this particular e-mail with you; it's sort of close to my heart since it came from Joey. I'm still a little crazy about him, even though I'm not really sure if I could've totally fallen in love with him because, well, of his, um, "prior engagement" with Dorian and that annoying, nagging crush he had on Kelly. Still, I would've liked the chance to figure out if I might have considered the possibility of getting serious with him. I'll think about that while you read this letter and my reply."

Dear Dorothy:
Hey, what's up? Your dad said you were writing this advice column now, so I thought I'd check in and say hi. Mom said Kev wrote to you once but when I asked him about it, he only told me to "go impale myself." It's weird; he's been going through a lot of changes lately, though.

Look, I know we had a fight (well, two, actually) but I'm sorry and I hope we can at least be friends. Things aren't going so well for me right now and I kind of wish you were here to talk to me about stuff. Kelly spends all her time with my jerk cousin Drew, who's a major scammer, and Kevin doesn't have much to say to anyone. He hangs out with this blonde girl, Barbara, a lot. They give each other funny looks. It's none of my business, I guess, but it's weird. And I never knew Kev had a tattoo. I'm worried about him because he's lost some weight, never wears vests anymore and a smile would crack his face.

I'm sorry I blew off that surprise party you threw for me. That's not the kind of guy I am; I'm usually really sensitive with girls -- ask Dorian or Kelly. Or, um, don't. Ever since I came back from Paris, I've been a totally different guy and I think you caught me in a transitional period. Anyway, please don't be mad at me anymore and oh yeah -- you can keep the football jersey. One thing, though: Can you send back my Gene Kelly movies? I need to practice my moves from "An American In Paris" to impress Kelly at PawPaw Asa's barn dance this fall. Please write back, okay?

Dear Joey:
I'm not mad anymore so yes, we can still be friends. My only problem with you is, when are you going to see that Kelly doesn't want you back, even though you're a fantastic, really cute guy? She's into men with accents now -- British, southern. Just let her go, will you? Kevin is acting weird here lately. I'd stay out of his way if I were you. At least until he figures out exactly who he is. He's definitely going through some changes. He told me to "go impale myself," too, so until he apologizes I'm not answering any e-mail he sends me. This Barbara girl sounds like trouble. Stay away from her.

Thanks for the football jersey. I still sleep in it every night and no, I won't send back the Gene Kelly videos so you can impress Kelly. You're rich; go buy some more. Okay, wait. That just sort of slipped out. I am still a little mad, but I'll get over it. And I'll send the videos along with these new age CDs I found in your collection. Some girl calling herself Nature Girl or Cameron or Olivia or WoodNymph or whatever says they're hers. She also says to tell you she's still got an old running shoe of yours from when you twisted your ankle, jogging through the wooded enclaves of greater metropolitan Llanview.

We're cool. Take care and write back soon. I...I have to go consult Mare's "Everything I Need To Know About The Really Cute Guy I'd Like To Hit The Sheets With I Learned From His Annoying Blonde Ex-Girlfriend" text. Maybe some of the answers as to why we never kissed or generally got within three feet of each other even though we supposedly were "attracted" are in there. I'll let you know when I think I might be getting to the point where I know -- if I'm sure. Well, if I think I might be sure sometime.

FOC Dorothy heads out the door in search of charcoal with this sentiment: "*sigh* Will I ever get over Joey? I can't say. It doesn't really matter because I don't think I'll be going back to Llanview any time soon. That's a bummer. Kelly is not the girl for him. *grrrr* She makes me so mad, the way she insinuates herself into everyone's lives. And she says I think I know it all. *hmph*

"I hope you all have a wonderful Independence Day. Be safe! As for me, I've know a certain guy named Javier who needs a few lessons in Civics. He says he's not into celebrating America's birthday. Well, he'll be more into it now that my Victoria's Secret "Star-Spangled Skimpiness" catalog items just came in. I bought three brand new silk teddies that are all-American. They should have Javier appreciating the red, white, blue and thonged in short order."

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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc July 1, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net )

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