FOC Dorothy sez: "*whew* It is not easy answering e-mails when your office is sweltering. Javier was playing "handyman," fooling around with the A/C, but just between us, he's no Mr. Fix-It. He's pretty good at fooling around in, um, other areas, though. Er...ah...um...Okay, it's really hot in here now. So maybe we should just check out this week's e-mail. It's kind of A Very Special Ask FOC Dorothy -- the first time I've done a 'couples' session."
Dear Dorothy:
My husband and I have been married for nearly a year now. We were together, when I wasn't being faithful to my first husband, for a couple of years before tying the knot. We get along wonderfully -- he reads me Yeats and other late victorian/early modernist Irish poetry every night and I massage his expansive chest (let's just say he's got "more" than I do, breast-wise); the happy couple, I guess you could call us. Except when we have to share our massive collection of hair-care products. See, I've got long, flowy, naturally spirally curly hair that's past my shoulders and my husband also has long, flowy, naturally wavy curly hair past his shoulders. It seems like there's just never enough shampoo or mousse or conditioner or hairspray to go around. We've tried staggering our shampooing-and-primping schedules, rationing our supplies, even
conserving products by taking baths together. (That was fun, but I swear he still lathered his own hair more than mine, the scamp...) Our marriage is, of course, most important to me but so is well-groomed, shiny-clean, Rapunzel-esque hair. Any suggestions? Before one of us tears the other's mane clear out of the scalp?
FOC Dorothy notes: "I was all set to give Marty some tips from Mare's 'Tangled Emotions: Sex for the Silky-Maned' textbook, specifically aimed at couples with haircare issues affecting their sex lives. Then I got this e-mail, which was also pretty interesting..."
Dear Dorothy:
Faith and begorrah! I'm cursed with the luck of the Irish: on one hand, I'm married to the most scintillating star in the universe of my heart; the sweetest chocolate in the candy sampler that is this Earth -- on the other hand, my beloved and I share the loveliest of locks, the flowiest of follicles. We are imprisoned in a maelstrom of manes in which our silken spirals simply serve as shackles. *rrrrrgh* Margaret and I cannot go on this way, sneaking surreptitiously around the water closet in our passionate quest for formulaic fulfillment. Have you any advice for us? I fear she'll run me through with the curling iron someday.
FOC Dorothy continues: "...so I decided to reply to both of them at once. People should get their emotions out in the open, not keep them inside. If I'd only told Joey I was crazy about him from the start, maybe I wouldn't have felt compelled to explode and kick him out of my apartment -- twice. Or maybe I still would've. I don't know. I'll have to think about that for a while. *sigh*"
Dear Marty and Patrick:
Hair care is important, but it's not worth throwing away a good, strong marriage born from a one-night fling over. (Sorry. Patrick left a couple of journals lying around that old apartment of yours I rented in Llanview, so I, um, 'studied' them. Who or what is 'The Ficus' and what was that long narrative about 'him' being in a wheelchair? Weird...) As someone who prefers short, perky hair (it fits my somewhat itinerant lifestyle), I can't really help you with the flowiness aspects; my hair is a lot like me -- pretty straight and in a "growing-out" period. I can't decide if I want it short or shoulder-length. But I'm giving it a lot of thought and eventually, I'll come up with a plan of action for when I actually decide to make a real change. I'm not rushing it, though.
Back to you and your problems: Mare says there are benefits to sensual scalp massage. I say, hop back in that tub and lather-rinse-repeat until you're, um, tangled in a torrent of tresses. I'm a social worker, not an English major, but I passed my 'Psychological Poetics 101' course with flying colors. (Oh, yeah...The lather-rinse-repeat method works out of the tub, too, but it takes *lots* of practice. It's not for, uh, beginners.)
FOC Dorothy gets ready for the over-and-out: "*pant* That's it! I'm getting out of this...sauna of an office before I pass out from heatstroke. Next week, the air will be fixed (hopefully) and I'll answer some of the e-mail I've been purposefully putting off. The e-mail I'm talking about was from this...guy from my past and, um...*sigh* That's all I can say right now. *pant* My t-shirt is soaked with *ick* sweat! There's nobody here. Hmmmm...Maybe I'll just peel down and cool off -- just for a minute. Oh, yeah. That's lots better...Wait. Where is that hip-hop/jazz coming from? Ohmygod! Someone's here...Javier! What are you doing in my chair? How did your pants get all the way up there on the ceiling? Oh, not now...I was trying to get less sweaty, but..."
Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc June 24, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net
)