Ever since the boss split for LA, she's become a totally different person -- literally. The Dorothy Hayes we all knew and (choose one):

1. loved
2. hated
3. hoped would marry Bo, thus insuring her instantaneous, untimely death

...is effectively gone now that she's grown her hair, started packing heat and begun shacking up with this Angel fellah, someone capable of being even more pouty than Dorf herself. The old, snippy Dorothy is now being played by this Kate chick who (this week, at least) displayed the kind of sugary sensitivity old school OLTLers may only have believed Luna (Goddess rest her poor ole soul) was capable of. If Dorf ever materializes to Max and implores him to spend more time signing to little Frankie that love is all around and that he's gonna make it after all, we're turning in our two weeks' notice and going to work for Blair.

FOC Dorothy raps with us about This Week's Lesson In Sensitivity: "Ever since that nasty little incident in which my Badass Twin, Kate, body slammed the Olsen twins -- whom she nailed procuring a five-fingered discount of the new NSync CD at Tower -- into the 'Midnight Movies' section of the store, where they ended up strewn between displays for 'Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!' and 'Reefer Madness,' I've mistakenly been paying the price. The LAPD sent me to a weird 'sensitivity training' course in which I learned to get in touch with my emotions. When you're like me, though, and display only three basic emotions -- snippiness, unprovoked anger and know-it-all-ness -- it's easier to get down to brass tacks.

"Oddly enough, I ran into another former Llanviewite in sensitivity training class -- Todd Manning. In fact, Todd was running the course and says that sensitivity training has changed his life. I asked him if he'd help me answer this week's e-mail and he agreed..."

Dear Dorothy:
I been an insensitive, curmudgeonly bastard for years and that's 'bout the nicest thing any of my golddiggin' ex-wives have said 'bout me. Them damn boys of mine ain't showin' the spine God gave a roadkill armadillo, dammit to Hell. Clint done gone off and married him some bimbo and my boy Bo keeps doin' things that really tick me off, like keepin' all his bidness dealin's legal and somesuch. And don't git me started on them damn pantywaist gran'-young'uns like Kevin, who's drivin' his wimmenfolk away like he was herdin' cattle on up to the Dodge City Roundup; Joey, who done shrunk a couple feet in height while he fiddles 'round with gittin' some Fine Arts dee-gree I ain't never yet seen hide nor hair of; and my lil' bellflower, Jessica, who 'parently went a-ridin' side saddle with that ole purty-boy, Will.

Viki ain't no fun no more since she done shut down that Mustang Ranch she called her personality disorder; Alex keeps sendin' me postcards of her 'n' that skunk, Hesser, runnin' 'round the Isle of Capri nekkid as two jaybirds; Blair and that horse thief, Max, are makin' more ruckus all 'round town than a couple buckin' broncos and my ole flame, Renee, done gone and cut off the water supply to the well, iffen y'all know what I mean. Hell, I miss ole Todd; now there was one buckaroo what understood the finer points of screwin' over folks. Hep me figger out what in tarnation has all my Buchanan kin an' bloodsuckin' exes actin' like horses' hineys, dammit to Hell.
Yee-haw,

FOC Dorothy and Todd respond, gently:

D: "Todd, I think Asa hasn't learned to follow his bliss yet."

T: "That's right; the old geezer can't really grow as a human being until he reconciles with his inner child."

D: And until that happens, he'll never find his Happy Place."

T: "Yeah. Take it from me, you old hayseed, it's time to turn that frown upside down."

D: "Turn your painbow into a rainbow."

T: "Remember, Granpaw: I'm OK, you're OK."

D: "Can't we all just get along?"

T: "Somebody needs a hug."

D: "Come here."

FOC Dorothy and Todd head out to buy Aromatherapy candles and some black Nikes for Todd's new group of, uh, followers: "...and now, Today's Meditation:

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us how it used to be.

Todd and I welcome all Ask FOC Dorothy faithful to this Friday night's rap session. Healing crystals will be provided at the door but it's strictly BYOK (Bring Your Own Kool-Aid). It's too bad Angel won't be sharing his feelings with the rest of us. Instead, he'd rather stay home, mope around in the dark, watch the Lakers game and sharpen his fangs. *hmph!* Someone's playing Tug-O-War with his inner child when he should be playing Hug-O-War."

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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc November 14, 1999
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net )

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