Needless to say, we here at FOC Dorothy were happy to finally hear from the boss. She reported in from a galaxy far, far away from Llanview and has an odd tale to tell indeed. While we're glad Dorf is alive, well, and -- apparently -- sporting a much more relaxed 'do, we hope she'll love the City of Angels enough to stay permanently. She can use a tan, frankly, and we need all the time we can get in order to re-stock the Dorf's office supplies cabinet, which we raided In Memory Of Her when we figured NatureGirl's horrible acting did her in.

And now, FOC Dorothy Hayes reporting from our Los Angeles bureau:

FOC Dorothy sez: "Like that old jazz song says, what a difference a day makes! The last thing I remember, I was blindly stumbling through those woods outside Llanview for the Blair Bitch Project. I passed out from the stress of, for once, NOT knowing it all (since I didn't know where I was) and woke up here in LA. I really need to consult a few of my old Psych books for reference because everything is weird these days.

First, I look different. I guess I was out for a while because my hair is much longer and blonder and not shaped into any short, severe obtuse angles. I've accessorized, also, although I can't remember when. The other day, I went to the Hollywood Starbucks for a latte and when I reached into my hip pocket for change, I instead pulled out an LAPD I.D. and a police badge. The perpetrator ran from the scene with a wad of cash in one hand and a Starbucks brand travel mug in another (overpriced at $45, even for LA, in my opinion). I gave chase, yelled, 'Freeze, sucker!' and whipped out a really big gun. I shot at him and I guess the sound frightened him because he dropped the travel mug and tripped over it. So it was easy for me to pin him, cuff him and then scratch my head in amazement at how I'd just performed an official arrest when I've never been trained as a police officer. Maybe I'll e-mail Bo and ask him how that can happen. He should know. Anyway, some beat cops took the guy downtown for questioning. It turns out he was Todd Bridges, formerly of TV's Diff'rent Strokes. How sad.

My new digs are cool, if a bit dark and somber. My new roomie is tall, dark and hunky. His name is Angel. Yeah, just 'Angel.' Like 'Cher,' I guess. All these Hollywood people go for that, even though it's a little pretentious. Angel is a real stud but he has major issues. I mean, I could do my Ph.D. on why he has no mirrors and keeps the drapes pulled all the time. Plus, all he keeps in the fridge is institutional size bottles of what looks like V-8 but smells like Type AB negative. Hmmm...

I have to admit, this place is much better than Llanview, but I still can't figure out how I got here or why everyone keeps calling me 'Kate.' It beats 'Dorf,' so I'm not really complaining and that's a big step for me.

Eventually, I'll get the answers out of Angel, I guess, if I can get him to stop mumbling. I think he's impressed by my handling of this gun. I've improved my aim by placing a target picture of Joey at the far end of the loft. So far, I've cleaved his perpetually furrowed unibrow and once I nail his squinty eyes, I'm cleaning up this town. Angel and I are, uh, pretty chummy but I really wish he'd cut back on all these hickies he's been giving me. It was romantic at first, but now it just hurts and I'm a free bleeder. I really can't keep wearing all these turtlenecks in the hot California sun just to cover these bite marks.

Gotta run for now. Angel's home. Hi, baby. *smack* I thought we might go to the beach today and....Oh, come ON! I'm tired of spending every Friday night massaging your massive, muscular shoulders while you sit around brooding with all the lights off. I'm a nag?!! Unclench your fangs, fellah. And don't roll those yellow, slitted eyes at me, Mister. You're 244 years old? Well, start acting like it. *hmph*"

Now Angel's eternal torment really begins...