When last we here at FOC Dorothy heard from our fearless heroine, she was going toes on the nose for some tanned, huarachi-wearing Moondoggie over in Fiji. But that was back in June, although we never posted her e-mail until, well, last week. Okay, so we were remiss. Please forgive us because now we're really worried about the Dorfmeister since she went off on a rather secretive quest in late June. Things got scary when some students from Llanview U. dropped by the corporate offices with Our Miss Hayes's laptop computer, which they said they'd found hidden under the foundation of that old house in the woods outside greater metropolitan Llanview -- the house where Cameron/Olivia/WoodNymph/NatureGirl once cast off flowy silken linens whenever Joey happened to be out for a jog.

In hopes of discovering the truth about what happened to Dorf, we've decided to share with you the contents of her laptop's hard drive. We warn you that it's pretty creepy and we remind you that no matter what anyone says, it's all true...

And now, the contents of FOC Dorothy's recently discovered laptop PC:

It's been three whole days since I started into the woods and it's getting cold and I'm hungry. Why did I let "cousin" Blair talk me into this STUPID project? And why did I agree to bring along Eddie Velasquez and Mickey from the old Angel Square Community Center? I guess it's because I felt sorry for them, since like me they got the brush-off in favor of plastic-looking ex-model/actors. *sigh* Still, these woods are dark and it's tough trying to type with one hand while holding a flashlight in the other. It's just me and Eddie now, since Mickey disappeared the first day we got here. Eddie keeps cracking jokes but I don't think any of this is funny. And I'm supposed to turn in an advice column to boot. Well, while Eddie forages for nuts, berries and leftover takeout bags from Rodi's, I guess I could answer just one e-mail for "Ask FOC Dorothy" because even though I'm seemingly lost in the blackest woods, I still know it all...

Dear Dorothy:
I know you're not exactly buddy-buddy with the OLTL writers, but can you please intercede on my behalf? I've spent years -- YEARS, I tell you -- making a name for myself on a poorly-written soap as one of the scheming-est, meanest vixens on daytime in one of the most circular, antiquated plotlines in the history of soaps. But my constant machinations keeping Carrie and Austin apart and utterly miserable have worked splendidly, even through Carrie's "baby tees and trendy barrettes" period and Austin's growth spurt and dumbing down. The high point of my career came when Lucas wanted Carrie and I wanted Austin and we plotted together to break them up. I'm still riding high, even when I have to suffer through a scene with Deidre Hall as she raises the studio's humidity level when she goes on one of her "on-cue" over-emoted crying jags, but I'm NOT happy to see that OLTL is stealing MY thunder these days with this Sophia/Joey/Kelly/Brian story. Come on! Having one pair of jilted wanna-bes plot, scheme, and work together to destroy any shred of happiness enjoyed by the happy couple they'd like to break up has been done before -- over and over, by ME on "Days!" Don't make me have to crossover from Salem to Llanview and play hardball with that little Sophia girl because even if it means I have to drug Joey and sleep with him after a night of pizzaburgers out on the town, I'll do it. Believe you me.

FOC Dorothy shivers with cold and fright, imagining she hears screaming in the distance of the woods. Precariously balancing her flashlight as she types, she responds:

Sami:
I agree that this latest plot to break up Joey and Kelly sounds exactly like what you've been doing on "Days" for years. But I can't really offer an opinion on it because I wanted to break up Joey and Kelly, too, and I was supposedly "helping" Joey make Kelly jealous so she'd leave Ian and...uh...you know, now I'm confused. It was a lot to deal with in just five months.

Let me simply say that I admire your tendency to run around in circles and never really do anything that demonstrates any desire to really take action that would change your circumstances. I'd advise against crossing over into Llanview from "Days." You might gain a scant few IQ numbers, but you'll be replaced by a model/actress because you won't be considered pretty enough by the people in charge. Like so many other plots on OLTL, this one will probably fizzle out quickly if Roger Howarth decides to return for November sweeps. All the writing will immediately center on him and nobody will give a fig about Joey, Kelly or, well, anyone else, really. In the meantime, keep doing what you do best -- rehashing the same story ad infinitum. And if Deidre Hall breaks out the old ElectraWoman costume and asks you to be Dynagirl, run like hell.

FOC Dorothy trembles in the pitch black night and we read a chilling final transmission... "I just want to take this opportunity to say I'm sorry to Dad, Mom and Grandpa Hayes for not paying attention to you when you materialized to me on Fiji and told me I was wasting my life with surf bums. I'm sorry to Kahuna for never getting the hang of those alternate uses for Dr. Zog's Sex Wax that you tried teaching me. I'm sorry to Joey for taking that football jersey of yours and making a voodoo doll with it. I'm sorry to Mare for failing to transform myself into a carbon copy of yourself. And I'm scared. I'm scared of these woods. I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of making it out alive, going back to Llanview and having to sleep with Max. Why? WHY did I let Blair talk me into seeing if the myth about the ethereal woman haunting Dorian's house in the woods was true? Getting in on this "Blair Bitch Project" was a big mistake. Eddie? EDDIE?!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!!! What's that glowing, flowy spectre up ahead? Is it the WoodNymph, come back to haunt Llanview with her horrid acting? Is it...Ohmygod! Is that Eddie, screaming? So dark...So dark...I can't see where I'm going..." <transmission interrupted>

To be continued after we at FOC Dorothy secure the film rights...

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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc August 28, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net )

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