It's been far too long since the gang here at FOC Dorothy, all one of us (me), issued forth the good, usually longwinded word from Our Miss Hayes. Okay, so a couple of old school RATSAfarians asked me why Dorf hasn't checked in since, like, this past December. I told them she hastily bolted off to the remote isle of Fiji on a quest to assist her role model/idol/grandmother, noted sex therapist Mary "Mare" Hayes, in a new research project. Specifically, Dorothy is carefully recording the nocturnal sexual habits of young, tanned surfer boys who populate the island each summer in search of "totally bitchin'" waves. We tip our cap to the Dorfmeister, who's so committed to her academic studies. Why, the poor dear could barely muster the strength to lift her head from the rippled chest of her favorite cabana boy/subject, Kahuna, in order to click the "send" icon that magically graces the free world with her "advice" column.

FOC "Gidget" Dorothy shoots the curl: "Shoot those boomers, Kahuna! Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em! Ohhhhh...Heh. Forgive me -- I'm really into this whole surf gig. It's a major bummer to try doling out advice to the fictional soap folks of Llanview after you've spent all day having the muscled surf bum of your choosing dapple your least-tan anatomical regions with cocoa butter sunscreeen but if I can convince just one other soap character to be as indecisive and unconcerned with factual information as I was during my scant five months on OLTL, that would be gnarly, dude."

And now, a really radical Ask FOC Dorothy (not recommended for gremmies or ho-dads):

Dear Dorothy:
When I came to Llanview, all I wanted to do was drink, drive fast cars and fool around with hot babes. And look pretty. I drank, drove fast cars, and fooled around with the town "good girl," Jessica Buchanan, and she got preggers from our one night of drunken soap opera passion. She lost the baby, which was sad, and now it's no fun to drink or drive fast cars and Jessica and I rarely fool around any more. Suddenly, I've become a character with "substance" and frankly, I'd just like to go back to looking pretty. I mean, if I have to do one more "socially relevant" story I'm seriously considering opting out of daytime TV. I hear "Dawson's Creek" still puts a premium on general hot-ness at the expense of intelligent storytelling so that sounds, like, way cool and stuff. Like, how should I go back to being the old, transparent me, babe?

FOC Dorothy turns to catch some rays on her aft side and writes:

Will --
Personally, I think you should embrace some substance as a character and not just coast on your prettier-than-thou looks. See, the people in charge said that as an OLTL character I had too much substance and not enough "brainless model/actor" qualities. So since I wasn't totally brainless and impossibly pretty and plastic, they axed me. And because I was taller than my supposed love interest, Joey, with whom I never kissed, had sex or exuded any true emotional attachment whatsoever, my days were numbered. Anyway, let's consider your problem. I think you should think about thinking about doing something in the not too distant future. But don't rush it; why do today what you can procrastinate about tomorrow? Mare thinks men who are overly concerned with their outward appearance are lacking in, um, those areas they can't display for fear of being arrested under laws against public indecency. She's right, I think, but that kind of goes without saying.

Keep putting on a happy face, even if you have to occasionally squint into the camera and look concerned that Jessica's "old clothes" donation to the Angel Square Community Center wasn't well-received because the needy have no use for a bunch of baby t-shirts from the poot! catalog. Slather on some more pancake makeup, pout dreamily and get chummy with Tori Spelling. Her daddy should find you a role on Beverly Hills 90210 after Ian Ziering becomes eligible for Social Security, which shouldn't be too long from now.

Dear Dorothy:
I won! I won! I won!

P.S. Please forward this message to Viki Carpenter. Many, many times if you simply must, darling.

Erica --
Uh, great. Good for you. Hey, I have an e-mail here for you from Sarah Michelle Gellar. It just says, "I won FIRST." Oh, and she adds that she's learned a lot about cutting out hearts with jewel-handled daggers during her stint on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and that as soon as she can find yours, she'd be happy to demonstrate her newfound capabilities to you. Or is that "on" you? I can't tell.

FOC "Beach Blanket" Dorothy hangs ten and says: "Nice hearing from everyone again. Maybe I'll be able to start up the 'Ask FOC Dorothy' column again on a semi-regular basis -- after I'm able to have full access to my e-mail account again. Kahuna spilled a mega-rita all over my laptop and things got wet and squishy. Uh, I'm talking about my computer. Well, sort of..."

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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc August 25, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net )

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