But here at FOC Dorothy Unlimited our motto is "If At First You Don't Succeed And The New Executive Producer Fires You And Sends Your Character Off To Take Care Of Your Athletically Disinclined Brother, Chuck Cunningham-esque Style, At Least There's Always The Chance Someone Who Liked You On OLTL Will Do Their Cotton-Pickin' Best To At Least Get Folks To Kind Of Warm Up To Your Fictional Alter-Ego On RATSA." Yes, we the long-winded workaday employees of FOC Dorothy Unlimited probably have the most convoluted motto currently out there, but that's just our way; we're not necessarily afraid of flying off the handle in the grand tradition of our soul sister, Dorothy, and we're also not afraid to unleash our homegirl on all you RATSAfarians since she's agreed to assist those in Llanview needing all sorts of advice. After all, it wouldn't be like Dorf not to lend a hand, a sympathetic ear and a peck and bushel of Psych 101 musings to anyone willing to listen and/or unwilling to politely tell her to bug off.
Dear Dorothy,
About a month or so ago, I got ganked trying to save some kids I sort of accidentally got, well, kidnapped. That was bad, I know, but in the process of redeeming myself, I was wounded kinda seriously and have been in the hospital ever since. For a while, I had family visiting me but now everyone's split, cold cut out on me. My niece, my brother, my sister-in-law, my girlfriend nobody ever saw me sleep with and -- damn! -- even my old old lady -- my faithful bartender, Ronnie...they all left me stone alone. I'm diggin' my new nurse but it's cold here all by myself in the sheets with no hot jazz to warm things up. Speaking of the sheets, I understand you and that Buchanan kid didn't get your swerve on. Maybe you should come visit me sometime and make sweet music together, if you know what I mean, baby.
Dear R.J.:
As a Survivor Of Forced, Extended Soap Sabbaticals, I sympathize with your plight. It's definitely a cold, lonely world out there for soap characters apparently getting the axe. But it doesn't have to be so terrible; there are up-sides to being out of the picture, essentially reduced to occasionally meriting a reference from your on-camera, still-employed soap relatives. I'll be happy to personally explain them all to you with the aid of three books from my Psych 365 "Issues In Going Postal On Former Employers" class and an instructional video from Mare's "Working Out Frustrations The Fun And Sweaty Way." What should I bring when I come to visit you? Flowers? Candy? Cabernet Sauvignon? Oh, and by the way, you forgot to tell me your room number so pleasepleaseplease e-mail back, okay?
Dear Dorothy,
Now I've done it! I actually think I've flipped my wig! You know, there was a time in my life not so long ago when I was sure I couldn't cope -- couldn't handle it all. Recently, my husband was arrested for murdering my Girl Friday, this kid who went nutty over him. I don't want to believe he did it but hell, I'm not sure of anything right now. What I'm least sure of, though, is why the hell I got bombed out of my skull and did this weird bar dance in a juke joint off Highway 31. I'm a fantastic dancer, I know that, but shaking it in front of a whole bar just isn't my style. I didn't think it was, anyway. What say you, kid?
Dear Nora:
This must be a really trying time for you, what with your husband in jail, accused of murder. But you have to focus on getting things in perspective; work at working at dealing with all your problems. Don't rush it, though. Give yourself plenty of time to figure out whether or not you're still crazy about your husband and then, if you have to, take even more time to formulate a plan of action for when you actually decide to do something about what's bugging you. Get my drift? By the time you kind of sort of get it together, your husband may be exonerated. Or, um, not. Either way, you win because no matter what happens, you'll have to take some more time to think about everything.
Final thoughts from Our Miss Know-It-All: "I hope my advice helps everyone. That's why I'm here - well, besides Roger's being laid-up with his bum leg. I'm getting a ton of e-mail from everyone back in Llanview and next week, I'll try to answer more. But right now, I'm going to put a couple of Sarah MacLachlan CDs into the stereo, brew up a kettle of chamomile tea, lay out something sheer and linen-y for bed and relax in a hot tub of aromatherapy bath beads while I read this latest e-mail from that guy, R.J. He sounds nice."
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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc May 17, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net
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