It's been a hectic week here at FOC Dorothy, what with us having to screen all the Dorf's calls. We think she's definitely trying to avoid someone -- or someones (plural). But Our Miss Hayes knows best, or so she's always telling us, so if she says she's "out to lunch," even though we can plainly see her cowering under her desk whenever the phone rings, well, we believe it isn't outside the realm of her power to actually be in two places at one time. Unca Carlo does the same thing all the time and believe you me, nobody questions him. Nuh-huh. No way.

And now, the Tiger Beat "It Happened To Me" episode masterfully cloaking itself as Ask FOC Dorothy...

FOC Dorothy sez: "IF ANYONE CALLS, I'M NOT HERE! You tell them I'm, um, out to lunch or something. Yeah. Yes, even tell Dad that. Even tell Mare that. Even tell Kelly that. Uh, no...I'll take Unca Carlo's call, if he calls. He's supposed to call me with a new appraisal from the MOMA for Roger. It's so cool that he's now a permanent exhibit. The kids love scrawling on his body cast. 'Interactive' art, they call it. I need to get back down to New York sometime and..."

*knock* *knock*

"Ack! I... I'm not here! Go away!"

Mystery Voice: "Aw, gee, Dorothy! Open up, willya? I'm skipping my weekly 'What Do You Plan To Do With Your Life, Boy?!!' date with Paw-Paw Asa for this. I brought pizzaburgers from Rodi's..."

FOC Dorothy peeps out from behind the door to see a fresh-faced old flame.

FOC Dorothy: "Joey."

Joey: "Hiya! How the heck are ya? I just want you to know there are no hard feelings but if you don't stop foolin' around with Drew, I'm going to have to get in your face like this everytime I see you around town and...Oh, wait. That's my speech for Kelly. Hang on. I'm sure I've still got my old speech for Dorothy around here somewhere. Oh, here it is: But I thought you just wanted to be friends! Hey, here's another one: I can't understand why Kelly hates me for dumping her. But you'll let me use you to ruin her newfound happiness, won't you? And here's one more: Hey, you're actually kind of taller than me, aren't you?"

FOC Dorothy: "Get out."

Joey: "Aw, geez! Give me another chance to annoy the hell out of you, D. Pleeease? I learned a lot of new, guaranteed-to-offend tricks from my new friend, Barbara..."

FOC Dorothy: "I never could resist your charm. Okay, you can come in. But you only get to read one e-mail with me and then I'm throwing you out of here on your Buchanan butt. Got it?"

Joey: "Gee, you boss me around pretty good. Maybe we should've slept together."

FOC Dorothy: "Don't push it."

Dear Dorothy:
I recently moved to Llanview to meddle in the lives of my ex-husband and teenage son. After living in The City for a couple of unproductive years, I had enough of the hustle and bustle and besides, someone in my apartment building got brutally murdered, which kinda drove down the property value. And I'm nothing if not financially scrupulous. Which is why I quick-like married Clint Buchanan. Dough, he's rolling in; the sheets, not so much. Still, I figure his moolah will go a long way towards my starting up my dream art gallery, something the culture-deprived citizens of Llanview desperately need. I mean, something's wrong when "Max's Big Hair Disco Blow-And-Brush" night at Rodi's is the biggest draw in town.

I'm looking for a few good men (or at least one really young hunky one) to work in my gallery when, not if, it opens. Any ideas for how I can snag my own finely-chiseled classical sculpture?

Lindsay:
My advice to you is this: Scope out Llanview University. I'm sure there are lots of guys there who would relish the chance to be at the beck and call of a voluptuous older woman who openly drools at the sight of classical nudes. Better yet, my Unca Carlo imports fine art. Mostly, he imports it from international museums under cover of darkness, but...uh, wait. I'm not supposed to tell. Still, I'm sure he would...

Hey, Joey, what gives? Why are you packing up? You just got here.

Joey: "Uh, I gotta go, Dorothy. See, I've got this job interview with Lindsay and I'm kinda late. You don't know this address, do you?: Room 209, Bayberry Inn?"

FOC Dorothy: "And I thought Blair was a slut. Out! Out! Get out, you him-bo! And take your toxic-waste-artery-clogging pizzaburgers with you!"

Joey: "Ow! Ow! Quit throwin' stuff! Aw, gee, Dorothy! Aw, gee!"

*slam*

FOC Dorothy: "That... jerk! Kelly's better off without him and so am I! Oh my god! What did I just say? I...I just made a decisive statement regarding my relationship with Joey! *gasp*"

*knock* *knock*

FOC Dorothy: "Joey, I said get OUT! NOW! When I say something, I mean it! Well, not really, but...Oh. Hi. I...I didn't think I'd ever see you again..."

Mystery Voice #2 (with background jazz music): "Hello, baby. Let's make sweet music together."

FOC Dorothy: "RJ!"

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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc September 1, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net )

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