And now, this week's shouting match otherwise known as "Ask FOC Dorothy":
FOC Dorothy sez: "@*#&@! #*@&! $*#@&! Hah! Missed me!"
Cousin Blair tosses back her mane and screeches: "I never miss my mark, honey! Ask Max or Sam! I'm just biding my time...*hm* *hm* *hm*"
FOC Dorf: "I'd rather *not* ask Max or Sam anything about your 'expert marksmanship.' And why would I have to, since they both e-mailed me this week -- about you! *smirk*"
"Cuz" Blair: "You little liar! This is just another figment of your overactive, bordering-on-psychotic imagination!"
FOC Dorothy: "Oh, save that speech for Kelly, you windblown hooker-wannabe! What? Don't you want to see what your him-bos said about you? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
Dear Dorothy:
I'm in a bit of a pickle here lately. I've been seeing this stunningly gorgeous younger woman who, I have to say, has the cleanest, shiniest, most healthful, bouncy hair I've ever had the pleasure of being all tangled up in -- literally. But my ex-wife, who's also possessed of sunny, long, blonde, sheeny hair, has also come back into my life. I'm having trouble deciding which of these Breck girls I'd like to spend the rest of my natural hair-growing days with. Frankly, I can't see why either of them wants me since I'm the kind of fella who only power blow-dries three times a day.
Cousin Blair: "Why, that..."
FOC Dorothy: "Uh-uh... No patented Cramer Woman spontaneous combustion until *after* you've read the letter from Max."
Yo, Dorfmeister:
Max Holden here. You may know me from such Llanview landmarks as Rodi's, Serenity Springs and room 356 at the Palace Hotel. Oh, wait...that was Tina back in 1987, not you. Man, it's getting so I need a scorecard to keep up with all the babes I've done the horizontal boogie with around these parts, if you know what I mean. But enough about you, let's talk about my favorite subject -- me. Blair and I are back at it again -- fooling around, I mean. She's always been nothing but trouble for me, stealing my mousse, ripping off my hydrogenating proteins for scalp cleansing, taking more than her share of the "never tested on animals except the ones they really had to use" shampoo. She's also fooling around with that Sam guy, who hasn't got nearly the shine, shimmer or layer upon layer of chemical enhancements in his hair that I have. Say, baby, how's your 'do' doing these days? I can't believe we never met and that I never got even one chance to hit on you and have you throw a drink in my face. I mean, that's a Llanview tradition among the chicks. Oh, yeah...RJ says to tell you it's time you came down for a visit. He was smiling when he said it, babe, so I guess I'd better cross your name out from under my "To Do" list.
Cousin Blair: "That bastard! It's not bad enough that I barely have room enough to share the bed with Max's ego, but implying that I steal his shampoo! *hmph* Sorry, honey, but Head And Shoulders isn't my style. *evil smirk*"
FOC Dorothy: "If you can restrain yourself from going into a pre-schizophrenic spin cycle, I have a suggestion for you, Sam and Max that might not exactly solve your problem, but that'll be fun nevertheless. Give both Max and Sam blow jobs. See which one can stay 'up' longest."
The Goddess: "Sounds real kinky. I like it. Go on."
FOC Dorothy: "Well, the way I see it, if you start out on low heat, gradually increasing to medium and finally, the high-level stuff, you can decide which guy is for you. If he can't handle you being the one with the power (blowdryer, that is), he's got obvious control issues. Drop him like Dorian's last facelift."
Cousin Blair: "Cousin Dorothy, that's brilliant! If only you could learn to use your powers for evil maliciousness instead of wishy-washy saintliness. *sigh* We could screw over half of Llanview together..."
FOC Dorothy: "Call me 'Cousin Dorothy' again and I'll seriously think about considering if at some point in the future I should possibly kick your size one, feathered-and-layered ass."
The Goddess: "*rowr* *fft*"
FOC Dorothy: "*grrr* *yap* *yap*"
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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc August 25, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net
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