We, the Hardest Working Image Builders On RATSA, are still trying on the menagerie of hats Kelly brought to the office. So we'll turn things over to the Dorfmeister and Kelly-Kel, who, incidentally, both hate those nicknames. Hey! HEY! Back off, Abigail! I'm wearing the beret next!

And now, this week's pajama party otherwise known as Ask FOC Dorothy:

FOC Dorothy sez: "*giggle* *giggle* *hee hee hee* Oh, my GOD! I cannot believe he did that! *giggle*"

FOC Kelly comes back with: "I swear it's true! *hee hee* And he was wearing this white, John Travolta In Saturday Night Fever suit and he danced around to 'Night Fever' and 'How Deep Is Your Love' -- on top of the Palace Hotel. *giggle* Of course, he was lots taller then. And for some reason, he looked way older, too. *hee hee*"

FOC Dorothy, never to be outdone: "But he told me 'your' song -- like, yours and his -- was that icky No Doubt powerballad, 'Don't Speak'..."

FOC Kelly, with the lowdown: "Yeah, right... As if Joey would even remember 'our' song after he got back from Paris -- after he tramped around through the woods with that...that...WoodNymph or NatureGirl or Cameron or Olivia or whatever name she was using for the day. *hmph* And speaking of tramps, don't you have e-mail from Blair and Barbara this week?"

FOC Dorothy, ready to get to the nitty-gritty: "Oh, um, yeah. Let's check it out."

FOC Kelly: "You always have to get in the last word, don't you?"

FOC Dorothy: "No."

Dear Dorothy:
Since we're -- and I can't believe I'm saying this -- "step-cousins" now, I suppose I can share Cramer Women business with you, even though you're not really one of Us. I mean, let's face it: You don't come near qualifying for official membership because you never got the chance to screw over enough rich, eligible Llanview bachelors while you were in town. And you never wore Tiffany tennis bracelets to dinner at the Country Club, so that was a mark against you as well. *sigh* Oh, well...Some of us just don't get the breaks others do. Pity.

But enough about you; let's talk about a much more interesting subject: me. Right now, I've got two fantastic-looking, richer than a cherry-covered cheesecake bachelors strung out on the line and I don't know which one to reel in first. There's Sam, who's educated, ruggedly handsome, graced with wit and, if I can brag a little, briefs that I know aren't *hm* *hm* *hm*...legal. *smirk* Then there's Max, who always gets me into trouble. But he's dashingly handsome in a feathered-back-'70s-hair kind of way and he's always up for doing his damndest to give my old old man, Asa, the massive cardial infarction that'll toodle-oo his ticker once and for all. Max is great in bed, too, even if he only calls out his own name during sex, not mine.

Since you're such an expert on guys *hm* *hm* *hm* why don't you dazzle me with some of that "psychology" you're always babbling about? Not that I'll actually *take* the advice of the one woman in Llanview who couldn't get into Joey Buchanan's pants, but I think what you have to say would be good for a few laughs with Max. Or Sam. No, Max. No, Sam. No..."

FOC Dorothy, brows a-knitted, fumes: "*She's* got *some* nerve! Insulting me, then asking for my advice, then insinuating I can't get a man. *hmph*"

FOC Kelly stifles a smirk, saying: "We-ell, I mean, you were the only girl Joey's ever gone out with who never sort of got it on with him."

FOC Dorothy goes for the kill: "Okay, so that's true, but come on -- he was your boyfriend all that time, right?"

FOC Kelly, plotting a comeback strategy: "Um...Yeah."

FOC Dorothy, energy renewed, turns to Blair's "dilemma": "*smirk* I'm glad that's settled. Look, let's just answer your... uh, I mean, *our* cousin since she's *so* confused..."

Blair:
Here's what I'd do if I were the kind of woman who had such command of my dayplanner that I could pencil in two guys on different days and keep track of everything: Date Sam on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. See Max on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. On the Sabbath, you should rest. Figure out which guy is handling the schedule better and go with him. If you can control him now, you'll be happier later on, I guess.

Blair:
This is Kelly. Look, Dorothy means well, but she doesn't know you like I do. Want to figure out who's the one for you? Easy. Count Sam's credit cards versus Max's. Then, find out whose checking account is earning more compounded daily interest. The next time you're out on a date with either Max or Sam, have them drop by the ATM, take $1000 out of their accounts, and then, later on, when you're cruising the docks in their limos, throw the money out the window. If Max doesn't blink an eye, pick him. Ditto Sam. And don't forget where you tossed out the cash. I know you'll eventually find your way back there to find it. *smirk*

FOC Dorothy: "I think we helped her, don't you?"

FOC Kelly: "Yeah. God knows she needs help. *smirk* Let's read the next e-mail quick -- so we can start making s'mores."

Dear Dorothy:
About four months ago, I was raped. Then, the producers gave me a contract and suddenly, I fell head over heels in love with Kevin, so in love that it didn't even faze me when he left town one day and came back the next looking about 15 years older. But I'm blonde, so maybe that's why it didn't register with me...

FOC Kelly: "Hey! I resent that!"

FOC Dorothy: "Oh, take a chill pill. Keep reading."

...About a month ago, things got really hot and heavy between Kevin and me. Todd Manning locked us in this steamy cellar together and I was in heat, I mean, packing heat -- a gun -- and... oh, it all happened so fast! Of course, we had really quick soap opera sex (quiet, too, I guess, since nobody upstairs apparently heard us) and ever since then, Kevvy and I have been trying to keep it a secret from his fiance, Cassie. I'm getting sick to my stomach a lot these days and... gee, maybe I'm preggers! Since Kelly took up with Drew, Joey's been paying me lots more attention. I'd like to frame him as the father of what might be Kevin's love child, but I'm not sure. Those pizzaburgers he's always scarfing down at Rodi's trigger my nausea and...oh, god! I...I think I'm going to be sick..."

FOC Kelly: "That...bimbo! And I thought she was my friend! Thinking she can snare Joey in her snatch after she's already played around with Cabin Boy Kev! I'll fix her!"

FOC Dorothy: "Well, you are dating Drew now, right? See what I mean about you? You always want to have your other boyfriends and Joey, too! You...You just don't know how to share!"

FOC Kelly: "Share?!! That's a laugh! I let you date Joey -- even when I could've had him back with a crook of my pinky-finger!"

FOC Dorothy: "Why, you..."

(we join our hair-pulling, pillow-tossing catfight already in progress)

FOC Dorothy: "*pant* *pant* Okay! Okay! I give! Get off me!"

FOC Kelly: "*pant* *puff* No more talk about Joey. Uh, except to tell this (expletive deleted) she'd better keep her sterilized claws off him!"

FOC Dorothy: "*pant* Yeah. Let's let her have it."

Beebs:
You're in a delicate situation. Obviously, you have no concept of contraception or you wouldn't be pregnant and...Uh, wait. I just remembered I got pregnant by my jerk ex-boyfriend, too. Hmmmm...Listen, bringing Joey into the situation will only make things much, much worse. Just between us, he'll never love you; he'll always be hung up on Kelly.

FOC Kelly: "Hey!"

FOC Dorothy: "Oh, you know it's true."

Anyway, Beebs, you should leave Joey out of this and make Kevin 'fess up and deal with the spawn he's wrought.

FOC Kelly: "*giggle* "Spawn"... Good one."

FOC Dorothy: "Yeah, wasn't it? *tee hee*"

So grow up and make plans to decide if you're planning to ever actually commit to someday formulating a course of action. In my experience, procrastination has always been the best way. But that's me. All I can say is, given Kevin's recent face-lift frenzy, I hope the baby looks like you.

FOC Kelly: "Here's what I say, straight from the cheating, lying, scumbag's recently reconstructed mouth, Beebs: Go impale yourself. *grrrrr*"

FOC Dorothy gets bonked in the head with an overstuffed, duck-down pillow, but retains enough brainpower to close with these poignant bon mots: "OW! QUIT IT, KELLY! That hurt! Sorry, guys; we'd really hoped to get to lots more e-mails but...Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! QUIT throwing those marshmallows at me! I said we'd make s'mores later and..."

FOC Kelly: "Hurry up, then, and quit talking! God, you just go on and on...We already know you think you know everything."

FOC Dorothy: "*grrrr* I'll get you for that! *rowr*"

FOC Kelly: "*rowr* *fft*"

FOC Dorothy: "Okay, we have to stop fighting! All this hair-pulling and rolling around on the floor is getting us both all sweaty and gross and...Javier! What are you doing here?!! I told you Kelly and I were having our sleepover tonight and... What's that? What's she doing on top of me? Oh, we were just kind of *fighting* again and... Huh? Yeah, sure it's a good thing to get our mutual aggression out in the open and... No, you can't *watch*..."

FOC Kelly: "And turn off that video camera!"

FOC Dorothy: "Yeah!"

FOC Kelly: "Eh! See?!! You always have to have the last word."

FOC Dorothy: "That is so not true."

Home | Ask Dorothy | FOC List | RATSA/OLTL FAQ | Netiquette Guide | Links | Acroynyms

Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc July 22, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net )

Copyright info