And now, the spine-tingling conclusion of last week's FOC Dorothy...
FOC Dorothy sez: "This week, I'm lucky to have my grandmother, Mare, a noted sex therapist, staying with me. Even better, she's helping me answer this week's e-mail, which was dominated by two couples who were once the hottest pairs between the sheets in Llanview. Now, though, they're just kind of lukewarm and...well, Mare knows more about this stuff than me, so here she is."
Mare sez: "Thanks, dear. You flatter me with compliments, but you know as well as I that you're quite well-versed in the sex therapy field, having worked on special research projects for me in the past. As I remember it, you were wonderful at fostering close researcher/subject relationships. And whatever happened to our graduate research subject, anyway? Lars, wasn't that his name? He was so blond and chiseled. I never understood why, after the two of you went away to the Bahamas for that weekend of intensive research into the folkloric patterns of indigenous peoples' instruments of bondage, why Lars returned with lash marks all over him, stating he'd have to leave our project. How sad it was, watching him attempt to write a formal letter of resignation in those crude wooden handcuffs for which there apparently was no key..."
FOC Dorothy blushes and sez: "Uh, yeah...Lars was, um, weird and kinky. *sigh* Er... Let's get to these letters, Mare."
Dear Dorothy:
Before my husband and I moved to California, our marriage was awesome. Actually, our extended courtship was the really incredible part; we couldn't get enough of one another. Anywhere we could find an uncluttered horizontal plane, we would make wild, sweaty, passionate soap opera love (lots of kissing and intense, downward gazes). *sigh* I miss those days, the days when caressing Antonio's tattoo sent icy shivers down my spine. Now that he's in law school, all he wants to do is study -- day in and day out. The only briefs he sports these days are 35-page Xerox copies of civil rights cases. He doesn't even respond to my "strip searches" anymore (I'm a cop). The last time we played games with handcuffs, Tonio just muttered something about not being able to re-copy his notes. I'm frustrated and worried that we'll never get busy on the kitchen floor again. Help!
Andy:
You're in luck! My grandmother, Mary "Mare" Hayes, sex therapist du jour, is here with me and has agreed to answer your e-mail. I'll let her take it from here.
Thank you, dear. Now, Andy -- more than likely your husband is simply overstressed due to his intensive collegiate graduate-study workload. As Dorothy could tell you, having been a "grad" student herself, the amount of pressure on young people working towards attaining degrees is sometimes nearly overwhelming. My advice to you is to immerse yourself in your husband's studies. When he next returns home after a difficult day of classes, drape yourself in a loose-knit collage of his best briefs (the legal type, dear) and dare him to "spellcheck" you. Dorothy's idea of working off stress during her college days involved dribbling Wite-Out over strategic areas of her various boyfriends' anatomies and it worked, to a degree, but...
Uh, Andy, just try Mare's suggestion and see what happens. Next letter...
Dear Dorothy:
What can be said when the greatest love affair in recent history loses its luster? My wife, Alex, and I still have earthshattering...relations. But we no longer break 18th century Chinese vases in the clench or climax to the strains of Rachmaninoff. She is cold to my touch and yet...my rose still purrs like the naughty little pussycat I know she truly is when she strokes my...MasterCard. I need a woman who can satisfy my virile masculinity, who will caress my throbbing... bald temples. The Veuve de Cliquot is on ice and I'm waiting.
Carlo:
Mare, my famed sex therapist grandmother, has a few handy hints for you and... Mare? Mare! Now where did she run off to? Mare, why are you packing?
Well, dear, it appears Mr. Hesser is in need of my personal attention. His sexual troubles demand the intensity only a seasoned professional like myself can offer. I'll write you from his yacht. Take care, dear.
FOC Dorothy signs off with: "Next week should be fun. That's when Kelly's coming to visit -- it's our first sleepover as cousins-in-law -- and she's agreed to go through e-mail with me. See you all then and... What's that, Javier? No, I *don't* have the key to those wooden handcuffs! *grrrrrrrrr* What a baby..."
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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc July 14, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net
)