I just moved back to Llanview after about a year's absence. I blew it with everyone here last summer -- Dad, Nora, Rachel, Kelly, my cousins, Kevin and Joey, even Paw-Paw Asa. I busted my @$$ at the Police Academy trying to make Pop proud (he's the Police Commissioner), but then I started fooling around with this weird, screechy girl and everything went to hell in a Serenity Springs hottub (I'm not real great with metaphors). Anyway, I'm in a real pickle at this point -- my Pop's in jail, my girl got whacked and what's worse, there's probably a chance my country singer wannabe Mama may mosey on back into the scene, big hair and all. Help! By the way, are you in the market for any large rings? I've got one I'd like to sell -- cheap.
Dear Drew:
I've consulted a few (okay, at least 10) of my Psychology texts from
college and I think you're experiencing a "paranoid episode" right now.
Look at the positive things in your life rather than the negative: You did
well at the Academy, you lost that high-pitched girlfriend of yours (her
name wasn't Georgie Phillips, was it?) and Kelly hates you. I'm a little
embarrassed to say this since we've never met, but you sound like my kind
of guy -- someone who's not hung up on a Cramer Woman. Are you seeing
anyone right now? Uh...never mind. At any rate, hang in there and
remember that while I know it all, I still need lots and lots of time to
think about your situation. So let's not rush anything. Let's just be
friends for now.
Dorf:
Hi, honey! Long time no see, eh, kid? How's Roger's leg doing? Heard from
Mare lately? I haven't seen any apparitions of your late Grandpa Hayes in
a while so laying off the drinking must be doing me good. Oh, by the way,
Dorian and I are thinking of getting married. She wants to know if you'd
consider being a bridesmaid or at least one of the ushers. Bottoms up,
kiddo! (Just kidding.)
mel@thebanner.org
Dad:
Either you give up Dorian or else! If drinking yourself into a stupor will get you away from her, I'll FedEx you some George Dickel myself. I...I can't talk to you anymore. Goodbye!
FOC Dorothy writes: "That's it for this column. I have to sort out my thoughts, put on a couple of Sarah MacLachlan CDs and muse about Joey and why things didn't work out and how much I enjoyed wearing that football jersey of his - the one I'm sure he never let Kelly wear and...*sigh*"
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Posted to rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc May 13, 1998
FOC Dorothy is Mandi (mandia@earthlink.net
)